Erika Garcia | Co-Editor-in-Chief

Editor’s note: This is a fake article. All facts and quotes are entirely fabricated. Happy April Fools’ Day!

Malarky’s owners have purchased The Underground located in the basement of Smith Hall at the Buena Vista University (BVU) campus. The new owner of the space has decided to convert the outdated student hangout place, into a newly renovated, hip, dance club.

The vision for the renovation is high-class, urban luxury.

“We’ll probably model after Jay-Z’s 40/40 club,” the new owner said. “Once I heard that BVU was looking to renovate the space, I knew I had to do something spectacular for my biggest clients, the students.”

With a deadline to complete the renovations set for Welcome Week in August 2014 when the freshmen move in for orientation, the push to design the new look will start immediately.

Current plans include a massive glass fountain with a diamond encrusted beaver statue at its center and a gold-plated dance floor. A 10 foot television and Bengal tigers in cages have also found their way into the design plans.

“It’s a great teaching moment also,” one Biology professor said. “Biology students have the opportunity to learn about zoology from observing the Bengal tigers.”

The BVU administration commented that at first it was against the idea of outsourcing the job but it also agreed that The Underground needed a fresh face.

Even though the idea of bars on college campuses seems like a far-fetched idea and a nightmare for parents, there are many colleges and universities with bars and grills on their campuses, and many feel this kind of upscale club could really set BVU apart in the marketplace and increase enrollment potential.

One sophomore student who has seen the so far top secret plans is excited about the what she saw on paper.

“From what I’ve seen, you’ll feel like money as soon as you walk through the door. Super posh!” she said.