It’s a-me, Tanner! Doesn’t have the same ring, does it? 

Welcome back to “Hey, Listen!” and for this week’s column I subjected myself to torture of the eyes and ears, just for my loyal readers. *aww* 

Okay, maybe that’s a bit over-the-top; but this week I took a retrospective watch of the Super Mario Bros. film of 1993! Yes, you’re reading that right. They made a Mario film. And I hate to say…it’s not great. 

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not a good film by any means but it sure is fun when looked at through the lens of “How did this even get greenlit by Nintendo?” 

The Big N has always been protective of its brand and characters, even more nowadays than ever. Mario’s cast of characters hasn’t evolved much since the late 2000s and the Galaxy subseries, yet this film was released only three years after Super Mario World in 1990. My favorite game of all time, and then this. 

With a tagline of “This Ain’t No Game”, they sure weren’t lying. Trust me. 

The movie starts with its rendition of the classic World 1-1 Super Mario Bros. Theme, and that’s as close this film gets to the original story of the series. 

After we witness Princess Daisy’s unlikely origin story, we meet our titular heroes. Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Played by Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo. I’m not kidding. 

An incredibly awkward romance between Luigi and Daisy develops, and soon enough the plumbers plummet into the parallel Mushroom Kingdom Universe. Just on the other side of Brooklyn. Who knew! 

Throughout the film and the chase to rescue Daisy, we meet a human-lizard hybrid Bowser, a hippie guitar-playing Toad, a brand new fresh from the egg Yoshi, Koopa henchmen who look like the robbers from Home Alone, and one very, very scary Goomba.  

Speaking of which, the Goombas are simultaneously the worst and best part of the film. From their in-game appearance as short, 3-foot tall brown blobs to 9-foot tall dinosaur rock hybrids with jagged teeth, it’s a glow-up of the highest order. Or evolution in dinosaur terms. 

But seriously it’s nightmare fuel. 

Yet it gets exciting in the penultimate scenes of the film, where the climactic battle finds Mario Mario and Luigi Mario donning their iconic overalls and undershirts while adorned with jump pad boots on their feet to leap and bound like we know they can. Yahoo’s all around. 

I feel for the creative team that had to take the story of Super Mario Bros. and adapt it into a modern take on what can only be described as “dinosaur Brooklyn” and its similarities to Ghostbusters are striking. 

I mean, Mario and Luigi have to fight a colorful variety of abnormalities on their way to rescue a Princess who rules over a Kingdom of Toad men from a hilariously evil giant turtle with a spiked shell on its back named Bowser. It’s a tough ask and it misses all marks, but that’s what makes it so great. 

It’s weird, it’s different, it’s not Mario. But I thoroughly enjoyed it for the decent laughs throughout and the fascinating interpretation of a cast of characters so beloved by millions for decades.  

In the end, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario save the girl, the world, and defeat King Koopa aka Bowser. A good time was had by all…aside from the $7 million lost in box office revenue. 

Also, Bob Hoskins is easily the best part of the movie. He’s still great despite all odds. 

Until Detective Pikachu was released to a warm reception in 2019, it was the only licensed live-action Nintendo film.  

Now video game movies get a bad rap for a good reason, but the likes of Mortal Kombat (1995) and Super Mario Bros. fall into the perfect category of “so bad it’s good” that gives me life and makes me want to review even more of them…so that’s probably what I’ll do. 

It may be akin to self-inflicted pain, but it’s for you, the reader. And I appreciate you all. 

Cheers to Mario’s 35th Anniversary this year, and I recommend you go and watch what this franchise could have been…(though I do prefer what we got. Three years later Mario 64 released in 1996!) 

That’s all for the main column this week. Here’s my list of recommendations for you, and please send yours my way! 

A Game You Should Play: Halo: The Master Chief Collection. Hundreds of hours of the best FPS series of all time. Great content for the price ($~10.) I’ve got about 160 achievements left out of 700. Godspeed Master Chief. 

A Movie You Should Watch: Gone Girl. Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike are local celebrities, but when their failing marriage leads to Ben’s character allegedly murdering Pike, an excellent domestic mystery ensues. 

A Show You Should Binge: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It’s similar to Seinfeld in the fact that they’re motley crew bad people…like Seinfeld. But WAY worse. 

What You Should Listen To: Baby, I’m Yours by Breakbot. If you wanna learn dance moves you never knew existed, look at these Chads. 

What You Should Read: PenPal by Dathan Auerbach. It’s an intriguing mix of true crime and self-reflection as it originated as a short story on Reddit I read on release years ago. 

Life Advice: “If your ball is too big for your mouth, it’s not yours.” Inspiring. 

That’s all for this week! Make sure to check out last week’s episode of The Entertainment Hour for more in-depth discussion! This week Mason, Diego, and I discuss The Mandalorian, iOS 14, Super Mario 3D All Stars, Sonic Heroes and more!  

Follow us on Twitter @TheEntHourPod to shoot us a DM for a recommendation for what to talk about and we’ll give you a shoutout! Also drop a comment below or send me an email at [email protected] for a future review piece! 

On the agenda for next time, I’ll be backtracking to the turn of the century and covering a, uh film…series?…well it’s the 2003 Star Wars Clone Wars mini-series that debuted on Cartoon Network. It is easily my favorite piece of Star Wars media ever. Which should say a lot on its own. 

Just look at the cartoon Samuel L. Jackson. Breathtaking. 

Until next Sunday, stay healthy, and “Thank you so much a-for-to reading my column!”